I promised to be real and honest with this blog. And without sharing a little about my past you will never understand the significance of the past couple days. So here I go… it’s about to get real and raw.
When I was sixteen I started to struggle with depression. I tried my best to hide if from everyone. But it grew in it’s complexity and soon I started cutting. Nothing too severe that it would be obvious, but it was my progression into a very dark and suicidal thought process. When my parents found out they responded in fear, and much to their later regret, told me that if I would just “get my faith in order” my depression would go away. That was followed by all sorts of threats of consequences if I didn’t pull myself together.
Truth was that my faith was not wavering. I spent more hours in prayer asking God to fix me and wondering what I had done wrong. Instead of getting help, I got better at hiding my struggle. And over the next couple years I developed an eating disorder. I thought at first that it was bulimia, as I would binge on foods that would make me sick, followed by fasting and laxatives. But years later, as I confronted my issue with a nutritionist, I discovered that my binge days were less than a 1000 calories. I was starving and purging myself. Most people think that eating disorders are mainly about poor body image, but the truth is that it is usually more about control and self hatred. My eating disorder was my slow suicide. It would take me until I was 20 to get the help I so desperately needed.
I will never forget walking through the doors of Loma Linda’s Behavioral Health Unit, and hearing them lock behind me. With that step, I let go of all pride and every attempt to please those around me, and I begged the doctors for help. God would send amazing nurses and therapists to pray over me and guide me in my healing process. But it would be another year before I would get serious about dealing with my eating disorder. For anyone who struggles with severe depression and daily suicidal ideations- there is hope and healing! It was several months of intense therapy before I had my first day where I didn’t consider suicide. And then it was a week, that soon turned into months, where I experienced freedom from the darkness that had haunted me. It was a lot of work and hard honesty, but it was so worth it. I had to be on anti-depressants on and off for several years. I never expected my eating disorder to raise it’s ugly head when I got pregnant, but it did. I also struggled with post-partum depression after a couple of my children’s births. When I start to feel myself slipping into that dark pit, I immediately seek out help. I have learned there is no shame in seeking help. We live in weak bodies that do not always function as they should. A weak physical body does not equal a weak faith! When I sought out help for my eating disorder I knew it was best to abstain from fasting. I knew it had the potential to drag me back into my old disordered eating patterns and thinking. So in the past 15 years if I have wanted to “fast” for spiritual reasons, I would simply select one food that I would fast from. I knew God understood my heart and would honor that I was treating my body with love and respect.
Fast forward to October of this year when I first started thinking about doing my 40 Day Liquid Fast. A liquid diet for 40 days! I knew it had the potential to bring up old issues. So I gathered a group of women to pray over me and check in on my progress. These are women I feel safe with and can be completely honest about my struggles. I have sought each day to listen to my body and it’s needs, rather than dictating a pre-planned diet. The purpose of my fast was health and healing, not restriction and rules. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to be at a point in my healing journey that I could do this with real love and honor for my body. My thought process throughout this fast has been one of care and concern for this failing body of mine that has been through so much. Prioritizing my health has been a challenge since day one, but I am learning how to be gentle with myself. I have asked my body- what do you need right now? That has changed from day to day, and even from morning to afternoon. Then about halfway through the liquid fast the idea of doing a water fast came up. The benefits were clear from my research. I wondered if I could do it. How would I handle it emotionally? Would my body do okay? Would I be able to listen to my body closely enough so I wouldn’t cross the line of healthy fasting into starvation?
Day one I felt fine, I wasn’t hungry and everything was pretty much normal. Mentally I felt good and was thankful for the love I felt toward my body. Day two I felt fine until I took a hot shower. Your blood pressure naturally lowers during fasting to conserve energy and my hot shower must have dropped it further. I felt a little light headed the rest of the day. I was still able to enjoy a fun family evening with the kids. Day three the fatigue set in and although I had a long “to-do” list for the day, I had to practice gentleness and slow down. I know my body is doing a lot of healing and regenerating work during a fast, so the fatigue is normal. I went to bed with a slight headache and woke in the middle of the night with a migraine (something I am all too familiar with). I got up this morning on day four and immediately did a coffee enema in hopes of halting the debilitating migraine. It took the majority of the pain away along with the nausea and floaters. But I still had this knot in my upper back (also quite common) that was threatening a recurrence. I fought off the guilt monster and finally gave in to what my body had been begging for- rest! I curled up in a dark room with a heating pad and ice pack. There were plenty of leftovers in the fridge for my husband to feed the kids- they would survive without me for a few hours. Construction projects have halted, paperwork piles sit, and the rest of life will just have to wait. I am giving myself permission to pause and take care of my body. This body that, despite still having more than 20 extra pounds on it, I have been learning to love. This body that I am choosing to praise God for! It is an imperfect and broken body, but it is the one God gave me. With it I live on this earth to do His will, for His glory. So I better take good care of it! I am tempted to run around trying to do more and more, and yet I hear His voice calling- “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28 NIV) Sometimes doing the will of God is simply a matter of stopping, being still and resting in Him! So I am praising God for how He has transformed my history into His Story of healing in my life, and I am choosing rest and love today.
“I lie down and sleep. I wake up again, because the Lord takes care of me.” Psalm 3:5 (NIRV)
