Setbacks and Steps Forward…

It’s been a long time since I last sat down and wrote a blog post… WAY too long. In the coming months I hope to share more and fill in the gaps from the past few years. A lot has happened.

Tonight I sit at the table writing as soup simmers on the stovetop. The kids just came in from doing farm chores. The laundry piles are larger than I would like, and the house is not perfectly tidy. But life is good.

Last year we had a temporary set back after we had a leak in our basement. We found mold. We sealed the area off. We put on our hazmat suits and masks. We ripped out every last piece that had mold on it and disposed of it safely. We did all the things to make sure that we weren’t spreading it or exposing ourselves recklessly to it. Still… I had a flare up.

Years ago I had fought hard, changed my diet, used anti-inflammatory herbs and successfully put my ankylosing spondylitis into remission. I actually had started to doubt the diagnoses was even correct. Until last April. After working in the basement the pain came back like a haunting ghost from the past. I was waking in the middle of the night in tears.I was dreading bedtime because I knew the pain was coming. Migraines started to plague my days aggravated by the pain in my spine.

It can be really tempting in those moments of setbacks to feel like all the hard work and progress is gone. But this is the moment to stop and breathe. Remember. Assess. Breathe deeply again. And then proceed.

I told myself that if I could put it into remission once then I could do it again. I took time to look up recent research on diets that were proven to help ankylosing spondylitis. There’s actually way more on that now than when I was first diagnosed. Most people are finding a low-starch diet to be beneficial. I knew I had to reduce my sugar intake. It’s so easy to slowly start adding it back into your diet- a little here, a little there. I did really well for a bit and then birthday season hit our home. It’s always my season of eating too much sugar. That gluten free cheesecake is. just. so. good! But I digress…

I started supporting my liver. I talked with my doctor about adjusting my dose of LDN (low dose naltrexone- more on this topic to come). I changed my pillow. I scheduled regular chiropractic adjustments to keep mobility. I scheduled in more rest and increased my nutrition. I did the things I did before and a few I had learned in recent years.

It’s just over a year since it flared up, and I would say I am 90% of the way into remission. The pain is way less in both intensity and frequency. Last time it took me at least 3 years to go into remission. What’s the lesson? Don’t give up. Don’t turn to fatalistic thoughts when things regress. These can be momentary setbacks. We get to choose if we will allow it to cause us to give up, or if we will take what we have learned and press forward.

I know that everyone is different. Not all chronic illnesses can be put into remission.But our bodies are amazing at healing and repairing themselves with the right support. It does require determination and sacrifice (I’m looking at you cheesecake). But health can be reclaimed. We CAN manage the conditions we battle instead of them managing us. They may never be completely removed from our life. I will always have to eat gluten free, and my body does way better on low to no sugar. I may have to always take supportive supplements. But I am living my life and doing things I enjoy- including a rare piece of cheesecake!

One day at a time. Don’t give up!

“And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.” Galatians 6:9 (ESV)

Facing Limitations

I am sorry for leaving the ending of my 40 Day Fast dangling in the air with no conclusion. I finished the last couple days by breaking my water fast. I did one major thing wrong- I introduced things back into my diet way too fast. I was plagued with indigestion and nausea as I overwhelmed my poor digestive system. I have to confess though- I really miss the light healthy feeling I had while on a liquid diet. Beyond my digestive system feeling lighter, I was feeling better all around. Some of these symptoms have stayed away and others have come back as I’ve added more foods back into my diet. But even harder than keeping a healthy diet has been keeping up with proper self-care, especially with the holidays.

My family was all in town to give my mom the best Christmas gift we could all think of- all of her children and grandchildren in one place! Our gathering was a welding of joy and grief as we realized this is likely her last Christmas. I have been spending countless hours trying to get her moved to a better nursing facility without a lot of success. When I was a child, my mother made me promise I wouldn’t put her into a nursing home. “Promise me you will take care of me when I get old. Promise me you won’t just ship me off to a nursing home.” It was ingrained in my brain and imprinted on my heart. I tried. Earlier this year I had her in my home but it was just too much. I couldn’t stay awake 24 hours a day and she needed more care than I could offer. The guilt of placing her in a home has been haunting me ever since. I have found myself trying to figure out a way to get home health aids to help me be able to bring her back home. But the harsh reality I have been avoiding is the frailty of my own health. Being the full time caregiver of a parent is hard enough for someone who has their health, but I would be starting out “behind” and at a definite disadvantage. What would I do if I came down with a 2 day migraine? What would I do on the days my Ankylosing Spondylitis is flaring and pain radiates from my spine? How will I change her and help her in and out of her wheelchair? What will I do when I have to take my children for their Lyme treatments 3 hours away? Who will care for her while we’re gone all day? I can’t simply stop treatments. What about the days where simply showering and making breakfast take every last ounce of energy I have? How will I find the energy to make and spoon feed her 3 meals a day, and clean her up? And what about my children? My illness already robs them of so much, but how much more so, if any energy I have goes to caring for the basic needs of my mom day in and day out?

The battle in my mind went back and forth like an intense chess match, until I finally succumbed to God’s checkmate on my heart. The little girl inside of me wanted to keep her promise, but my heart knew that it was not the right choice for myself or my family… nor for my mother. I had to admit that physically my body simply cannot handle it. I cannot give her the care she needs in my home despite my desire to do so. I had to face that ignoring my physical needs to push myself was not going to prove anything other than my spirit’s need to let go of unearned guilt. I sat down this week and through tears released the little girl in me from the promise she made, so many times, so many years ago. That little girl had no idea she would grow up to have a broken sick body. She had no idea she would have a sick husband who daily battles debilitating pain and needs extra help. That little girl had no idea that she would have four children with serious health issues that would need special attention and care to get better. She had no idea, but I am not a little girl anymore. The “adult me” must face my limitations, and choose well my priorities, for the benefit of all those entrusted to my care. And in granting myself permission to let go of the guilt, I found I was ready to take care of myself again, so I can keep caring for all those I love so much. As I look to the New Year my prayer is that I will live each day with intention, in a way that protects and promotes the things that matter most!

 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Philippians 3:13-14 (NLT)