Tag: Pain

Facing Limitations

Facing Limitations

Posted on by Ginger

I am sorry for leaving the ending of my 40 Day Fast dangling in the air with no conclusion. I finished the last couple days by breaking my water fast. I did one major thing wrong- I introduced things back into my diet way too fast. I was plagued with indigestion and nausea as I overwhelmed my poor digestive system. I have to confess though- I really miss the light healthy feeling I had while on a liquid diet. Beyond my digestive system feeling lighter, I was feeling better all around. Some of these symptoms have stayed away and others have come back as I’ve added more foods back into my diet. But even harder than keeping a healthy diet has been keeping up with proper self-care, especially with the holidays.

My family was all in town to give my mom the best Christmas gift we could all think of- all of her children and grandchildren in one place! Our gathering was a welding of joy and grief as we realized this is likely her last Christmas. I have been spending countless hours trying to get her moved to a better nursing facility without a lot of success. When I was a child, my mother made me promise I wouldn’t put her into a nursing home. “Promise me you will take care of me when I get old. Promise me you won’t just ship me off to a nursing home.” It was ingrained in my brain and imprinted on my heart. I tried. Earlier this year I had her in my home but it was just too much. I couldn’t stay awake 24 hours a day and she needed more care than I could offer. The guilt of placing her in a home has been haunting me ever since. I have found myself trying to figure out a way to get home health aids to help me be able to bring her back home. But the harsh reality I have been avoiding is the frailty of my own health. Being the full time caregiver of a parent is hard enough for someone who has their health, but I would be starting out “behind” and at a definite disadvantage. What would I do if I came down with a 2 day migraine? What would I do on the days my Ankylosing Spondylitis is flaring and pain radiates from my spine? How will I change her and help her in and out of her wheelchair? What will I do when I have to take my children for their Lyme treatments 3 hours away? Who will care for her while we’re gone all day? I can’t simply stop treatments. What about the days where simply showering and making breakfast take every last ounce of energy I have? How will I find the energy to make and spoon feed her 3 meals a day, and clean her up? And what about my children? My illness already robs them of so much, but how much more so, if any energy I have goes to caring for the basic needs of my mom day in and day out?

The battle in my mind went back and forth like an intense chess match, until I finally succumbed to God’s checkmate on my heart. The little girl inside of me wanted to keep her promise, but my heart knew that it was not the right choice for myself or my family… nor for my mother. I had to admit that physically my body simply cannot handle it. I cannot give her the care she needs in my home despite my desire to do so. I had to face that ignoring my physical needs to push myself was not going to prove anything other than my spirit’s need to let go of unearned guilt. I sat down this week and through tears released the little girl in me from the promise she made, so many times, so many years ago. That little girl had no idea she would grow up to have a broken sick body. She had no idea she would have a sick husband who daily battles debilitating pain and needs extra help. That little girl had no idea that she would have four children with serious health issues that would need special attention and care to get better. She had no idea, but I am not a little girl anymore. The “adult me” must face my limitations, and choose well my priorities, for the benefit of all those entrusted to my care. And in granting myself permission to let go of the guilt, I found I was ready to take care of myself again, so I can keep caring for all those I love so much. As I look to the New Year my prayer is that I will live each day with intention, in a way that protects and promotes the things that matter most!

“ No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Philippians 3:13-14 (NLT)

When History Becomes His-Story

When History Becomes His-Story

Posted on by Ginger

I promised to be real and honest with this blog. And without sharing a little about my past you will never understand the significance of the past couple days. So here I go… it’s about to get real and raw.

When I was sixteen I started to struggle with depression. I tried my best to hide if from everyone. But it grew in it’s complexity and soon I started cutting. Nothing too severe that it would be obvious, but it was my progression into a very dark and suicidal thought process. When my parents found out they responded in fear, and much to their later regret, told me that if I would just “get my faith in order” my depression would go away. That was followed by all sorts of threats of consequences if I didn’t pull myself together.

Truth was that my faith was not wavering. I spent more hours in prayer asking God to fix me and wondering what I had done wrong. Instead of getting help, I got better at hiding my struggle. And over the next couple years I developed an eating disorder. I thought at first that it was bulimia, as I would binge on foods that would make me sick, followed by fasting and laxatives. But years later, as I confronted my issue with a nutritionist, I discovered that my binge days were less than a 1000 calories. I was starving and purging myself. Most people think that eating disorders are mainly about poor body image, but the truth is that it is usually more about control and self hatred. My eating disorder was my slow suicide. It would take me until I was 20 to get the help I so desperately needed.

I will never forget walking through the doors of Loma Linda’s Behavioral Health Unit, and hearing them lock behind me. With that step, I let go of all pride and every attempt to please those around me, and I begged the doctors for help. God would send amazing nurses and therapists to pray over me and guide me in my healing process. But it would be another year before I would get serious about dealing with my eating disorder. For anyone who struggles with severe depression and daily suicidal ideations- there is hope and healing! It was several months of intense therapy before I had my first day where I didn’t consider suicide. And then it was a week, that soon turned into months, where I experienced freedom from the darkness that had haunted me. It was a lot of work and hard honesty, but it was so worth it. I had to be on anti-depressants on and off for several years. I never expected my eating disorder to raise it’s ugly head when I got pregnant, but it did. I also struggled with post-partum depression after a couple of my children’s births. When I start to feel myself slipping into that dark pit, I immediately seek out help. I have learned there is no shame in seeking help. We live in weak bodies that do not always function as they should. A weak physical body does not equal a weak faith! When I sought out help for my eating disorder I knew it was best to abstain from fasting. I knew it had the potential to drag me back into my old disordered eating patterns and thinking. So in the past 15 years if I have wanted to “fast” for spiritual reasons, I would simply select one food that I would fast from. I knew God understood my heart and would honor that I was treating my body with love and respect.

Fast forward to October of this year when I first started thinking about doing my 40 Day Liquid Fast. A liquid diet for 40 days! I knew it had the potential to bring up old issues. So I gathered a group of women to pray over me and check in on my progress. These are women I feel safe with and can be completely honest about my struggles. I have sought each day to listen to my body and it’s needs, rather than dictating a pre-planned diet. The purpose of my fast was health and healing, not restriction and rules. I cannot tell you how amazing it feels to be at a point in my healing journey that I could do this with real love and honor for my body. My thought process throughout this fast has been one of care and concern for this failing body of mine that has been through so much. Prioritizing my health has been a challenge since day one, but I am learning how to be gentle with myself. I have asked my body- what do you need right now? That has changed from day to day, and even from morning to afternoon. Then about halfway through the liquid fast the idea of doing a water fast came up. The benefits were clear from my research. I wondered if I could do it. How would I handle it emotionally? Would my body do okay? Would I be able to listen to my body closely enough so I wouldn’t cross the line of healthy fasting into starvation?

Day one I felt fine, I wasn’t hungry and everything was pretty much normal. Mentally I felt good and was thankful for the love I felt toward my body. Day two I felt fine until I took a hot shower. Your blood pressure naturally lowers during fasting to conserve energy and my hot shower must have dropped it further. I felt a little light headed the rest of the day. I was still able to enjoy a fun family evening with the kids. Day three the fatigue set in and although I had a long “to-do” list for the day, I had to practice gentleness and slow down. I know my body is doing a lot of healing and regenerating work during a fast, so the fatigue is normal. I went to bed with a slight headache and woke in the middle of the night with a migraine (something I am all too familiar with). I got up this morning on day four and immediately did a coffee enema in hopes of halting the debilitating migraine. It took the majority of the pain away along with the nausea and floaters. But I still had this knot in my upper back (also quite common) that was threatening a recurrence. I fought off the guilt monster and finally gave in to what my body had been begging for- rest! I curled up in a dark room with a heating pad and ice pack. There were plenty of leftovers in the fridge for my husband to feed the kids- they would survive without me for a few hours. Construction projects have halted, paperwork piles sit, and the rest of life will just have to wait. I am giving myself permission to pause and take care of my body. This body that, despite still having more than 20 extra pounds on it, I have been learning to love. This body that I am choosing to praise God for! It is an imperfect and broken body, but it is the one God gave me. With it I live on this earth to do His will, for His glory. So I better take good care of it! I am tempted to run around trying to do more and more, and yet I hear His voice calling- “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28 NIV) Sometimes doing the will of God is simply a matter of stopping, being still and resting in Him! So I am praising God for how He has transformed my history into His Story of healing in my life, and I am choosing rest and love today.

“I lie down and sleep. I wake up again, because the Lord takes care of me.” Psalm 3:5 (NIRV)

Praising God for Shoes!

Posted on by Ginger

Earlier this spring, while volunteering at a small local dairy farm, I had my foot crushed by a cow. After a couple of months of hobbling around on crutches, and relatively little healing, I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS). Basically, it’s an over-firing and miscommunication between your central and peripheral nervous system. This miscommunication causes there to be pain with the slightest touch or sensation to the area affected. Simply having the ceiling fan on and the breeze blowing on my foot was excruciating, and forget taking a shower with the water hitting it. I was able to get in to see a great pain specialist up at the University of Florida who suggested I have a nerve block while doing physical therapy. The only issue was that my insurance wanted to argue my need for physical therapy and I was too tired to put up enough of a fight to get it done. So I limped around in an air boot for a couple more months until I could find a sandal that I could wear without pain. Using my background as a massage therapist I started doing all I could to desensitize the area and improve my range of motion. I was told by my pain specialist that if I couldn’t get the pain to go down that the next step would be spinal cord stimulation via an implanted device.

Ummm… let’s just say that I was a “give birth naturally” girl because the idea of someone touching my spinal cord with a needle FREAKED me out! So I became more than determined to figure out how to heal my foot! I would sit in tears in the tub as I massaged the area as deeply as I could handle. It certainly helped that I had Epsom salt and essential oils in the bath water. I would lightly use the dry brush over the area to help desensitize it even more. I also started using the homeopathic remedy Hypericum Perforatum 30c to treat nerve pain. The remedy was helpful but it didn’t completely relieve the pain or last for more than a few hours, so I increased the strength of the dose. I now take Hypericum Perforatum 200c once a week. My other favorite pain reliever is Curcumin! The newest therapy I am trying out is Red Light Therapy. I just started this about a week ago and plan to write more about it as I progress and have more experience with it.

The pain is not completely gone but I am more than 50% better and my pain specialist is happy with my progress. This week I took the next step in my “home therapy” program and found a pair of shoes I can “practice” wearing. I need to slowly train my body to handle wearing shoes again without misreading the pressure on the foot as pain. I found a pair that I can wear without immediately wanting to cry out in pain! They are slip-ons (no ties) that are the perfect amount of “looseness” and support. I am beyond excited!!! The last two days I have been wearing them with my special orthotic inserts and have been able to handle wearing them for more than 2 hours! This is no small thing. Six months ago I sat with my doctor wondering if I would ever be able to wear a shoe again! The one downside- after wearing the shoes for a couple hours my pain level is much higher. I know I still have a long way to go, and unfortunately I’ve started having pain in my right foot. (Because it’s a nerve problem it’s not uncommon for the CRPS to flare up or “spread” to the opposite appendage.)

Despite the continued pain, I feel confident that God is slowly healing me and trust that He is guiding me as I continue with therapy on both feet. For today, I am praising God that I have been able to wear shoes again! Healing is happening one little step at a time!!!

“Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;

heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.” Psalm 6:2 (NIV)

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